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Color My Palate

Swimming in a sea of perfection
I swallow it down
drowning in chlorine

She's better
He's better
they're all better
What am I?

breathe in

"it's humbling," she says
expecting to be perfect 
the first time
in a new pool
after an injury

I look and remember
grateful that today
I'm not her
I'm not perfect 
and actually don't care!

Shivering in the lane
I wait my turn
I take off swiftly:
my favorite stroke
Kick, glide, breathe, repeat
I am powerful
I am strong
I am confident

I look to my right
and want to yell:
it's not humbling, 
It's perfect
It's beautiful
It's okay!

Instead, I smile
and crack a joke or two
We laugh and laugh
and say our goodbyes
until next time
until next time
with hope and courage
we will return
to dive in 

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I lay in my bed looking at the ceiling in the dark. All the thoughts from throughout the day come rushing back into my head. I start to analyze them one by one, rethinking everything I did. I get angry at myself for the things I should’ve done differently. I tell myself I hate myself and wish to redo the day. I’m never completely satisfied with anything. Maybe the day when I am will come or maybe I’ll never be good enough for even myself.

What I don’t get

There is many things in life that I don’t get. However, I am still very young only 15, but I feel life should make more sense than it does at the moment. Sometimes I struggle with my faith because I sit here and I question the way God acts. I don’t get why he puts us through so much bad to get a little good. I don’t get why we always look to him when something goes wrong.. I feel like the way my life turns out is in my own hands. I know that if I do something that pleases him he’ll return it with something good. I just struggle with the whole fact that he’s not actually here, physically telling me what to do.
I don’t get why so many people push us teenagers to figure out what we want to do with our life. I get that our parents want us to be something, and do something with our lives. It’s just them pushing us only makes us stressed and want to give up on it even more. I have known what I wanted to be since I was 11, but I have no idea what school I would like to attend. The money, the grades, the requirements it all stresses me out. I know my friends struggle with the same things. I just don’t get why our parents won’t back off.
I don’t get why we have to fall in love. Going through heartbreaks and always searching for someone new is probably the most difficult thing I’ve found. I get that we should spend our lives with one person and start a family but why does it have to be like that so soon. Why do we start relationships in high school, it only adds onto the stress of school.
Sometimes I feel everybody should just take a step back and take a moment to live, dream, or wish.